FUCKKKK ALL OF YOU. and i mean that in the nicest way possible. BE HAPPY. DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. FUCK EVERYONE ELSE. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE WILL SAY OR THINK. i've learned to stop worrying about other people a longg time ago. i only have enough energy to take care of myself.

i'm so happy. i'm pretty sure me and collin are getting back together.

... i have no idea if this is an optimistic or pessimistic entry? AND I DONT CARE. wtf is wrong with me.

fourth of july was horrible. me and christian got in a fight, he said to me "you don't love him like you did me, you never will." and when you said it i thought.. hm, he might be right. ugh, christian christian christian. he knows exactly how to make me feel like complete shit. and it never fails. if he wants to, he can make me want to die. and he does. i shouldn't care at all, i really fucking shouldn't. but every time, i let it get to me. every single time. fuck this. fuck fuck fuck.

i have nothing to update about!

well, i actually i have lots to update about i just don't feel like it except things are okay and school is school and life and is life and everyone is getting older. birthdays here and there, etc.

i don't know i don't know i don't know!

why does everyone always push me away? i need to stop acting like i don't care. because i do care, i care more than you will ever know. i'm so sick of being the one that is always in a bad mood and that brings people down. i'm sick of people talking about the old me and the new me. it's just me. i feel like a crazy person. no one sees how hard i am trying. just stop pushing me away, please. i don't know where to go and i don't know who to talk to.

last night / this morning was completely insane. so random and completely insane.  i woke up with the words "get money" written on my stomach, i've got a rugburn on my elbow, $30 missing from my wallet, and a ridculous hangover.

regardless, last night was amazing! haha.

Megan,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm pretty happy I know you... the world is better because of you. You have so much to offer this world. You're always willing to think outside the box...to do things in a way they haven't been done before. You often see things as they are, instead of what people tell you they are - this is a good trait. You make me smile when I'm with you.

I feel like I know you for real and the person I know is wonderful. I see a person who actually cares about people. You really are a loving and compassionate person. Not many people your age care much about others...I think you do.

Also, I have observed what I saw as a struggle with thoughts about God and faith. I don't really know what your thoughts are now, but I want to applaud you for something; in the past, when I saw you more often, it seemed you sincerely were searching for truth and you cared about finding it. i admire a person that actually cares. Its meaningless to accept faith or "religion" blindly because someone imposes it on you. Anyway, we can talk about that later. Really I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I still care about you. I'm still here if you ever want to talk or just me up to make fun of the way i run or something.

Misty and I miss you much,
Darren



i was looking through my inbox and i found this. and i cry every time. because when this was sent to me i wouldnt have believed it. but now i kind of do.

i went to mariah's house last night. definitely had a good time. learned a new drinking game, had some tequila, chugged some beers. i slept over her house then left for gainsville this morning. definitely had a bad hangover. i threw up at burger king.
HAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHHA
i feel like shit, but its actually hilarious now that i think about it.

besides that... i have nothing to update about. spring break has been okay. i've been having lots of fun though. but during the day i don't really do anything. i just waste away. damn.

whatever

where is my life going these days...

so i didn't go to school today (or yesterday, or the day before..) and i slept till around 11:30 and i ate a bowl of cereal then i watched almost famous till devon got off work then we went to get something to eat and then we went to the park. oh, and some guy told me i could blow his whistle any time. that pretty much sums up my day.

my step mom was like talking to me about how her and my dad think im depressed and extremely incapable of human interaction. she then proceeded to tell me i was a bitch so on top of all the "pain and worry" i am causing my them, i am also never going to have any good friends or be close to anyone besides devon and jillian.
she told me i never open up to anyone, and that my existence is going to be a lonely one. she said i have to keep people at an arms length all the time and that i think that by not telling anyone anything i am protecting myself from them hurting me. she asked me to name three good things in my life right now. i couldnt. when you are being barraged by people constantly and all you want to do is escape, your head isnt exactly up in the clouds with life's good things.

i dont get it.
why does everyone care about what i do so much?
i dont even know what to say to defend myself.
i just feel like never talking again.

well, i guess im ungrounded.

so if i keep thinking the way i have been, i will either lose my sanity or my friends, whichever comes first. sometimes, like just today, just fifteen minutes ago when i was driving on pga, i think that i give too much into my friendships and other times, like this past summer, just a few monthes ago, i think i give nothing into my friendships. so which way is it? and why do i keep having these urges to do crazy things, like accidentally walk in front of traffic? and why do i keep imagining, like just today, just a few hours ago, when erin's mom was driving us over the bridge, why do i keep imagining what will happen if someone made a shitty bolt and the bridge collapses at that second, with me on it? why do i want these tragedies to happen to me and only me? these aren't real questions because i know the answer. and it's not that i really want them to happen at all, it's because i love attention, and what better way for an attention whore to get her drug than to have a tragedy happen to her and only her? everyone wants to be your friend when you're in the limelight.

it's scary re reading these things because i'm being brutally honest and i don't know if that's always necessarily a good thing, but this is what i have been thinking about all of today and i need to get it out of my head before i start tomorrow off thinking the same way i did today. so here it is, for no one to read and no one to expect anything out of. which is part of the reason i like to write these things, that no one will expect anything out of them. expectation leads to disappointment, and i'm tired of explaining to everyone who could potentially like me that i will only disappoint them in the end. so positive things, happy things, starting the week off on a tuesday, thinking differently, either rational or completely imaginative, balanced and fine. don't worry about me, i'll be just fine.

yesterday my dad commented, "Smile! Where is that smile?!"
i quickly replied, "It is back with my life which is apparently missing right now."
he remains unsympathetic.

i'm going to gainsville on saturday to see my brother though. it will be fun; i can't wait.

 okay so, i'm grounded right now. i'm having computer/cell phone withdrawel, and i don't know.

i miss everyone. leave me messages on my phone. it makes me smile when i check my voice mail and the lady says "you have _ new message(s) in your mailbox". it makes me smile when she says that because i know you kids are thinking about me and thats nice. i'll let you guys know when i'm off grounding. love you all.

adieu.

i am trying so hard to be positive. and if this doesn't count as positivity, then at least i'm getting my shell back. i don't know if thats the right thing to do, but i am sick of being sad and i am sick of caring and i am sick of feeling. if i have to sacrifice opening up to people and having them like me, then that's fine, because i am tired of feeling things and i want to go back to when everything just bounced off of me.

part of me knows that this isn't the right thing to do, but when you are going for that peice of cheese and the floor around it zaps you everytime, you go back to just being hungry, because it doesn't hurt as much as muscling through it. call it weak or cowardly, but i tried, i really did. giving up for a while never hurt anyone.

i'm back!!! ah, its been awhile.
these past 4 days have been the worst. i feel like i can't go anywhere without some sort of drama/rumors errupting. i've been miserable with terrible mood swings. my life has been a mess lately and i really need to clean up my act. not only to benefit myself, but also the people i care about. i hate being depressed. hate it hate it hate it.