i feel better, but it is only a fake kind of better, the kind of better where you focus on one thing that you are really looking forward to and put all of your energy and thought into it so there is little time to think of much else. i can't keep walking away from everything i have to say, and i can't keep pretending i don't have to say the things i do. i'm not completely off base when i think it's fucked up to be strung along all this while, giving everything and getting a little back. maybe it's the chase, maybe i'm not interesting enough, maybe i really am just a strange girl like everyone has been convincing me lately, but i don't think it's fair to be the dumb hook up any more. on the other end, i have to make a huge apology to danielle about everything. i've been thinking about it lately and i realize that i really was a bitch to her, and that it was unfair of me to say or do half of the things i did. and i want to say that to her with no expectation of anything, because i really wouldn't be my friend if i weren't me, so how can i expect anyone else to be? that's my to do list. confront myself and the people in my life. because things can't go on like this, time is flying by and i'm running out of things to look forward to. plus looking forward only really means you aren't looking present.

oh and my sleep pattern is completely fucked. its 3:30 and im wide awake!